Global warming warning

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here with another future-award winning blog post. This week, I’m going to turn up the heat with an exposé on global warming.

The first question to answer is: global warming, what is it? Well, it is all to do with the world getting warmer. A lot of people think it might be a myth, but they are plain wrong. You simply have to look at the following graph to see that the globe is hotting up.

Terrifying

Scientists predictions

There have been many wild predictions from scientists on both sides of the argument. Here are the few that I give credence to:

• If global warming doesn’t stop, polar bears could be roaming British cities by 2030. And let’s be honest, nobody wants their children threatened by such a cute menace.
• It is mainly the fault of countries with a K in them. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the emission facts for: Burkino Faso, Denmark, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kiribati, Korea (North), Korea (South), Kosovo, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Slovakia, Tajikistan, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Ukrain, and Uzbekistan. You will be blown away.
• Global warming is actually the systematic destruction of the human race by a particularly sadistic and twisted group of extra-terrestrial life forms. Before you scoff at this open your mind and do a little reading. The ends add up to a whole (circle, presumably).
• Water could potentially be syphoned off from the rising seas and then stored in off-shore containers. These would also have tanks of helium, negating the weight of the water and thus keeping the water levels down. Complicated, but brilliantly conceived.

What can be done?

By now, I am sure that you are freaked to the point of combustion¹, and that you are desperate to know what you can do to stop the problem. Well, fear not, you are (as ever) in the best possible hands. Here are my free tips for how to get green:

• Grow your own: vegetables. Better for the environment, better for your body.
• Grown your own: cotton. Better for the environment, cheaper even than Primark.
• Emigrate. Britain is currently 7th on the list of all time emissions producers. This makes your average carbon footprint higher than that of, say, a Frenchman. Move to a country with lower emissions², and presto! your average will come down.
• Freeze more water as ice. Not only does this take water away from the danger areas of seas/oceans, it would also give us the chance to cool the world down when it gets too hot by all getting our ice cubes out, and rubbing them on the world.
• Drive more. Counterintuitive this one, but research put out by Honda suggests that on any journey longer than 1 mile, a car is greener than walking. This is to do with the carbon dioxide that people produce through breathing. The report suggests that this level may be much higher than previously thought.

Don't have nightmares. But do change your ways. Or we'll all be dead (hot).

B. Chindouche

¹For further guidance on human combustion (spontaneous and otherwise), see future blog post: “Combustion - Come bust one”
²I wouldn’t actually recommend France. For reasons why,see future blog post: “France, good or bad? - Je ne just don’t know”