Sunday, 23 January 2011

Chindouche instructs you... to meet women

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here again - improving minds since 1972. I have decided to revive an old format today, “Chindouche instructs you”. These mini-guides are perfect for printing out, slipping into your wallet, and pulling out when you need instructing most. This week, it’s my indispensable guide to meeting women1.

Rule #1 - There are only two rules.

Rule #2 - Know thy enemy

Yes, you read right, enemy. Women are a different species to men2, and you are going to need to approach them in the same way you would an enemy of any war. This, and this alone, will enable you to conquer as many women as I have3.
San Tzu - The original Casanova

Of course, the greatest war guide ever written is San Tzu’s “The Art of War”. Read this book, and you’ll have your pick of the ladies. Not got time? Lucky you. I’ve read it. Twice.

Here are some useful extracts, complete with ways to apply them to the other sex.

  • “All warfare is based on deception.” - Who says you need to be truthful? What are you aiming for, romance or a UN resolution to declare war? Say whatever she needs to hear and she’ll soon be yours.
  • “He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious.” - Don’t sidle up to her nervously having been making eye contact for 10 minutes. Ambush her. Wait until she goes to the toilet, and wait outside the door. As soon as she exits, bombard her4.
  • “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” - Don’t hit her.
  • “Management of many is the same as management of few. It is a matter of organization.” - Have multiple women on the go is easy. Just make sure you are organised.
  • “Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him.” - Tell her you’re ill/disabled, push the pity, then pounce.
  • “The general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought” - Preparation is key. For help with this, see future blog post “Dress fresh, come first.”

Gentlemen, this is all you need to know. Good luck.

B. Chindouche

1 Any women out there wanting to find out how to pick up a man, look out for future blog post “Looking available and up for it - 10 easy steps”.
2 fact.
3 32.
4 with conversation, not bombs.

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