Sunday, 23 January 2011

Chindouche instructs you... to meet women

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here again - improving minds since 1972. I have decided to revive an old format today, “Chindouche instructs you”. These mini-guides are perfect for printing out, slipping into your wallet, and pulling out when you need instructing most. This week, it’s my indispensable guide to meeting women1.

Rule #1 - There are only two rules.

Rule #2 - Know thy enemy

Yes, you read right, enemy. Women are a different species to men2, and you are going to need to approach them in the same way you would an enemy of any war. This, and this alone, will enable you to conquer as many women as I have3.
San Tzu - The original Casanova

Of course, the greatest war guide ever written is San Tzu’s “The Art of War”. Read this book, and you’ll have your pick of the ladies. Not got time? Lucky you. I’ve read it. Twice.

Here are some useful extracts, complete with ways to apply them to the other sex.

  • “All warfare is based on deception.” - Who says you need to be truthful? What are you aiming for, romance or a UN resolution to declare war? Say whatever she needs to hear and she’ll soon be yours.
  • “He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious.” - Don’t sidle up to her nervously having been making eye contact for 10 minutes. Ambush her. Wait until she goes to the toilet, and wait outside the door. As soon as she exits, bombard her4.
  • “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” - Don’t hit her.
  • “Management of many is the same as management of few. It is a matter of organization.” - Have multiple women on the go is easy. Just make sure you are organised.
  • “Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him.” - Tell her you’re ill/disabled, push the pity, then pounce.
  • “The general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought” - Preparation is key. For help with this, see future blog post “Dress fresh, come first.”

Gentlemen, this is all you need to know. Good luck.

B. Chindouche

1 Any women out there wanting to find out how to pick up a man, look out for future blog post “Looking available and up for it - 10 easy steps”.
2 fact.
3 32.
4 with conversation, not bombs.

Monday, 17 January 2011

Brief Histories #2: Inventions

Hi there,
Barry Chindouche here - I don’t ron ron ron, I don’t ron ron.
Here is the second in the ever popular “Brief histories” series. Today: Inventions.
The mother of all necessity
Meaden: Necessities bosom buddy
Life is full of gaps. That’s when inventions step in and say “Hello gap, consider yourself FILLED”. Before anything had ever been invented, people spent almost 90% of their day walking around, clicking their fingers and saying “oooooh, if only I had a, you know, thing.”
Then a tetchy troglodyte started bashing together some flint and created fire. He then used that fire to light a roll of tobacco leaf, and thus the world’s first invention was born: the cigarette.
Detailed cave paintings tell us that this sparked an entrepreneurial flurry. By 5,000 BC, the list of inventions had grown to include: slapstick comedy, cricket, pornography, anti-semitism, gravy, passports and dress down Fridays1.
Pre-sliced = Twice as nice

Sliced bread is the modern day yardstick for how useful inventions are. However, there have been a number of landmark inventions that, for a period of time, were held as the greatest invention ever. See figure 1 for details.

Of course, the modern day phrase is technically “The best thing since Kingsmill-sliced-50/50-bread”. White bread that’s good for you? That is off the strongest of chains.
Inventions cannot come into being without some very special people. Those special people are, in alphabetical order:
  • Richard Branson
  • Barry Chindouche2
  • Theo Paphitis
  • Alan Sugar
So there you have it. Go out and invent something. Or don't.

B. Chindouche
1Of course, these were British inventions. Cave paintings from other countries, like France, show little or no progress until around 50 BC.
2An ancient Egyptian invention.
3Don’t believe me? Just check out future blog post “My intention is invention - 50 products that B. Chindouche invented, then had stolen from him”

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Murder on the dance floor. Or indeed, any floor.

Hi there,

Your old friend Barry Chindouche here: set your synaptic connections from stun to kill – pun definitely intended1.

Murder. It isn’t very nice. Or is it?

No. It isn’t. However, I have always believed that words were invented for a reason – so as the word murder exists, I believe there needs to be some murder to justify it. Otherwise it’s a waste of letters.

Now, please stop jabbing the 9 key on your phone2, I have never murdered anyone in my life3. I just think that there are a number of notable murders throughout history that needed to happen. If you don’t believe me, scan down this list, and then tell me I’m mad. You won’t be able to. I’m always right.

  1. Queen Victoria. Victorian Britain had been going on for ages. For almost 82 years, the inhabitants of this lonely isle had put up with the worst national moniker in history: Victorians. To rhyme with chlamydia. Had Lord Jefferson Thrumpingtit not sliced her guts open, who knows? She might still be alive today – and we’d still be the bloody Victorians.
  2. Clive Anderson. Not THE Clive Anderson of course. This Clive was a door-to-door kitchen supplies salesman. He would use inane banter about "not being THE Clive Anderson!" This even led to THE Clive Anderson having a nervous breakdown and refusing to film any more shows. One customer (and avid “Whose Line is it Anyway?” fan) finally snapped and saw red. Clive was found dead in a lay-by, having had feather dusters shoved into his eyes and the words “I fucking KNOW you’re not THE Clive Anderson” written on his naked torso in faeces. A post mortem examination revealed 39 litres of bleach in his stomach. And THE Clive Anderson, thankfully, returned to the studio the very next day.
  3. Pope John Paul II. Murdered by atheist Britney Chesterfield when she slipped five electric eels into his papal bath. A necessary termination: his dying breath was reported to be “At least I never changed my stance on contraception!”
  4. Michael Jackson. The world would never have survived his come back tour. Thank you Conrad Murray.

So there you have it. Four fully justifiable murders: just please, don’t add to it. Four is enough for me.

B. Chindouche

1I always intend my puns. For help being as good as me at punnery, see future blog post “Puns? I’ve got them by the punnet load”.
2For my American readers, the emergency number in this country is 999. And that's how it should be – 911 is just confusing. Change it now please.
3but if I need to kill someone, I could and I would. And I’d make it look like an accident. So don’t mess with me.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Global warming warning

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here with another future-award winning blog post. This week, I’m going to turn up the heat with an exposé on global warming.

The first question to answer is: global warming, what is it? Well, it is all to do with the world getting warmer. A lot of people think it might be a myth, but they are plain wrong. You simply have to look at the following graph to see that the globe is hotting up.


Scientists predictions

There have been many wild predictions from scientists on both sides of the argument. Here are the few that I give credence to:

  • If global warming doesn’t stop, polar bears could be roaming British cities by 2030. And let’s be honest, nobody wants their children threatened by such a cute menace.
  • It is mainly the fault of countries with a K in them. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the emission facts for: Burkino Faso, Denmark, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kiribati, Korea (North), Korea (South), Kosovo, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Slovakia, Tajikistan, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Ukrain, and Uzbekistan. You will be blown away.
  • Global warming is actually the systematic destruction of the human race by a particularly sadistic and twisted group of extra-terrestrial life forms. Before you scoff at this open your mind and do a little reading. The ends add up to a whole (circle, presumably).
  • Water could potentially be syphoned off from the rising seas and then stored in off-shore containers. These would also have tanks of helium, negating the weight of the water and thus keeping the water levels down. Complicated, but brilliantly conceived.

What can be done?

By now, I am sure that you are freaked to the point of combustion1, and that you are desperate to know what you can do to stop the problem. Well, fear not, you are (as ever) in the best possible hands. Here are my free tips for how to get green:

  • Grow your own: vegetables. Better for the environment, better for your body.
  • Grown your own: cotton. Better for the environment, cheaper even than Primark.
  • Emigrate. Britain is currently 7th on the list of all time emissions producers. This makes your average carbon footprint higher than that of, say, a Frenchman. Move to a country with lower emissions2, and presto! your average will come down.
  • Freeze more water as ice. Not only does this take water away from the danger areas of seas/oceans, it would also give us the chance to cool the world down when it gets too hot by all getting our ice cubes out, and rubbing them on the world.
  • Drive more. Counterintuitive this one, but research put out by Honda suggests that on any journey longer than 1 mile, a car is greener than walking. This is to do with the carbon dioxide that people produce through breathing. The report suggests that this level may be much higher than previously thought.

Don't have nightmares. But do change your ways. Or we'll all be dead (hot).

B. Chindouche

1For further guidance on human combustion (spontaneous and otherwise), see future blog post: “Combustion - Come bust one”
2I wouldn’t actually recommend France. For reasons why,see future blog post: “France, good or bad? - Je ne just don’t know”

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Mailbag #1

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here. Every day, I get over 15 letters from my avid readers, seeking the answers to the biggest questions in life. I1 try my best to answer them all personally. Some answers, however, are too useful to the human race to be kept between just questioner and the questionee. Here are some of those answers.

Hi Barry,

Big fan of your blog mate, you bloody genius! I wish I knew just 1% of the things you did, then I'd show them! Got a question for you mate: Where does the phrase "There's more than one way to skin a cat" come from, and what does it mean?


Davey Quadright

Hi Davey, many thanks for your letter. Glad you are a fan - though don't call me mate. That's just presumptuous. In answer to your question, the phrase dates back to Tudor times. Britain was awash with cats and dogs (though, ironically, this is not the origin of the phrase "raining cats and dogs".) The epidemic grew worse with each year, until the cities reached (metaphorical) breaking point.

The then monarch, Henry VII, decreed that the summer of 1503 was cat hunting season (as dogs were his "fav animal").  Initially, the peasents of the time were superstitious of cats, and were too afeared to attack them. Henry published a guide called "Ye many wayes to skyne a cat". The methods listed included:

  • The Thomas á Becket: Four peasants, with drawn swords, had to lop off the top of the cats skull and scatter it's brains around the floor.
  • The King Harold: Shooting the cat through it's eye.
  • The Caesarian: Several peasants stabbing the cat. Had to be done on March 15th.
  • The stomp: Self explanatory.
Modern day usage of the phrase remains the same. There are still many ways to skin a cat.

Hi Barry,

Love you, love your blog! I have a burning question (excuse the pun!): Which religion is correct?

Yours if you want me,

Lind LaBelle

Hi Linda, glad you love my blog. Religion is a sticky subject in this post 9/11 apocalypse. However, I have studied each of the 12 major religions, and have concluded that the only rational religion would have to be an amalgamation. I'd call it Jewslamity2.

Dear Mr Chindouche,

I am an avid reader of your excellent blog. I have a question: What is love?

Grey Finchingly

Hi Grey, glad to know you are an avid reader. Your question has been considered by philosophers even greater than I. I'll leave the answer to them.

B. Chindouche

1/my wife Debby
2For further thoughts on religion, see future post "Religion. It's not just an anagram of 'I, Reg, Lion'"

Monday, 3 January 2011

Brief histories #1: Words

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here, with the first of my brief history guides. Today, I am going to give you a brief history of words.

Words are vital. So far in this post, I have used 36 words. Without those words, I would have really struggled to get this post started.

A fresh start
The actual word "English" is derived called from the Greek (engals, "angels") + (ish, "The language of"). Invented in County Durham in the 12th century, English went on to become widely adopted throughout England by 1274.

Historical records from that initial period are sketchy, but it has been suggested that the first English word was "cowardly" - a word invented to describe the attributes of the then French military leader Hercule Cowárd.

Bound for glory
The early English speakers relied on their memory to hold the language together. This meant that English would change almost daily, which would lead to terrible confusion. Communities would regularly be split between an overnight change in pronunciation. This is where the modern day dialects stem from.

The language would have degenerated into a verbal soup had it not been for one man, Samuel Johnson. He took pains to write all the words down that he knew, imposing his ideal of pronunciation1.

In many ways, you owe him your life. Imagine going in for open heart surgery. As you lie there in a literal life-or-death moment, the doctor asks for a scalpel, and the nurse hands him a hammer. Shiver inducing.

Today and tomorrow
English is enjoying something of a resurgence in the modern era - 1 in every 3 people speak it. That's the same as 1/3 or 33%. However, the future may not be so rosé.

There are now an estimated 400 languages in the world. With immigration2 at an all time high, I fear that English will be drowned in a sea of French, German and Taiwanese. We need to take steps to avoid this.

The average person speaks for 2 hours 34 minutes a day. If we all take steps to double this (even just repeating each sentence that you say), I am confident we can keep this language great and all conquering.

You owe it to Mr Johnson.

B. Chindouche.

1Although he did leave in some examples of what he called "hilarious ambiguity". Words such as 'scone'.
2See future post: "Immigration - My great shun"

Sunday, 2 January 2011

War. Some thoughts.

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here. According to the internet, there are over 479 conflicts currently being waged across the globe. I thought I would give you, the public, some thoughts about war. Here they are, in a very particular order.

(1) War is not definitely bad
I know a lot of you will have choked on your breakfast having read the above line. Well, pull the cornflakes from your nose and open your brains. Yes, war has some negative elements. However, there are many, many positive sides to war. Such as:

  • Broad minded youths: War involves travel. Travel broadens the mind.
  • Jobs for arms manufacturers: The UN claims 212 million people are unemployed. Do we really want to add to that figure? No. War keeps people in jobs.
  • Increased ethnic diversity: Soldiers get frisky (due to a potent mix of loneliness and a perverse love of explosions). When they enter new countries, they will find love in the local women. And thus ethnic diversity is promoted.
  • Filling up rolling news channel schedules.
  • Spreading democracy.
(2) War is inevitable
Don't believe me? Well, let's ask history.

BC: Hello history, have wars always happened?
H: Yes.
BC: Thanks history.

I. Rest. My. Case.

(3) Some wars are made up
Make sure you do your research next time you hear about a war. 37% of all wars have some element of untruth to them. Statistically1, this means that at least one war will be completely faked. You have been warned.

So there you have it. War. It's raw. Try not to have nightmares.

B. Chindouche

1 For help with statistics, see future post "Statistics - 1 in 33% of people don't get it. I do.".

Saturday, 1 January 2011

New beginnings

Hi there,

My name is Barry Chindouche. Allow me to be the first to congratulate you: well done.

Well done on finding this, the internet's most indispensable guide to everything. I am a jack of all trades, and a master of all trades. I know my onions and I don't cry when I cut them.

When I post, your eyes will be opened. Fully opened.

Many people say that I am arrogant and that I should stop hanging around outside their houses late at night. They're right on precisely zero counts. Arrogance is over self-importance. If anything, I am the opposite. I am subarrogant.

So sit back, relax, and get educated.

B. Chindouche