Saint David

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here again with more education than Europe and Asia, combined. Today, the 1st of March, is Saint David’s day. I thought I’d educate the uneducated about this holiest of figures.

Saint David

Jake Jones

Saint David was not born a saint. He was baptised Jake Jones in the year of his birth, 500AD, in Pembrokeshire, Wales. After a troublesome birth, complicated by a lack of proper sterile equipment, Jake had a fairly innocuous childhood. Aside from some petty theft from the local sweetshop¹, the young Jake was rarely in trouble².

Biblical times

Jake’s first interest in the bible came during a school visit by the Gideon society. As they handed him a small red bible, they told him that it might be full of money and so he should save it if there was ever a house fire. By a cruel twist of fate, the Jones family household did indeed burn to the ground that night. Jake grabbed his Gideon bible and dashed out into the garden³. His anger at the lack of money inside was tempered by the verse his eyes came to rest on - “For those that are holy, get riches in heaven”.

Life’s work

Jake Jones dedicated his life to trying to get into heaven. When he learnt that Saint Jake had been taken⁴, he changed his name to David Jones by deed poll. It was lucky that he did, as he died just 13 years later - had he not changed his name, he would never have been made a saint.

Saint David’s day

Welsh flag

St. David became the patron saint of Wales, and his feastday is celebrated on the 1st of March every year by the Welsh (and the Argentine’s). Typical celebrations include drinking Daffodil Wine, throwing the horseshoe and mud dancing.

Happy Saint David’s day everyone. And, for the welsh out there: Penblwydd hapus i chi⁵.

B. Chindouche

¹strawberry bonbons
²which was crucial in helping him gain his Saintdom later in life
³forsaking his ailing mother, who died as a result
⁴Saint Jake, patron saint of whales, c. 239 - 338 AD
⁵for more information on the Welsh language, see future post "Three L's, two Y's and a C - a scrabble nightmare or a love spoon?"

Mailbag #2

Welcome back dear reader. Barry Chindouche here with the latest round of letters I have received.


Dear Barry,


Could you settle an argument between me and my girlfriend? We haven’t spoken in over two weeks now - only you can help us. Which is the correct term: Cupcake or Fairy cake? Yours Desperately,  Patrick O’Dwyer

Dear Patrick,

Like everything in life, the answer is complicated. However, as with all complicated answers, you came to the right man.


The original term was cupcake. The cakes were invented in 1492. A baker by the name of Francis Cúp decided to reinvent his usual bland bread based teatime snack. In the process, he accidently knocked some contraband sugar¹ into the mix, and the cúp-cake was born. Within weeks, Francis Cúp was a local celebrity.

I am sure you are well aware of the (now) infamous sugar shortages of the time. Francis had to go to extraordinary lengths to procure the vital ingredient, including murder and small time pillaging. When he was finally brought to justice, the Henry VII had him baked into a series of his own invention, and the court dined on "Cúpcakes" – he was a cruel and murderous King.

Americans continue to use the term cupcake, seemingly unaware of the bloody connection. In Britain we now use fairy cake to disassociate from the horror. So both are technically correct, but only one is correct. I’ll let you decide which.


Dear Mr Chindouche,


I love your blog, it cheers me up when I am gloomy. Can you answer a question for me? Which country is the most dangerous? Yours questioningly, Barbara Blenheim

Dear Barbara,

Your question is vague. If you meant which country contains the most danger (for instance poisonous animals) the answer is Luxembourg - where 648 deaths per 1,000 are recorded as “accidents”. Compared to this, the safest country is Malta, where only 1 death in 10,000 is attributed to a cause other than “old age”².

If you meant which country poses the biggest threat to world peace, the answer is France. Historically, France has been involved in the most bloody conflicts on earth - and history has a nasty habit of repeating itself³.



Dear Barry,


Is intelligence inherited, or can it be learned? I am currently not very bright, I just wish I was as clever as you! Joe Strench

Dear Joe,

Sadly for you, intelligence is about 90% inherited⁴. I of course inherited a massive intellect, and as such you will never catch me up. However, you can do something about the 10% that you have control over by continuing to read my blog.

¹sugar had been decreed illegal by Henry VII since 1485. He felt it was the devils work.
²Though the 1 in 10,000 death that ISN’T due to old age is more often than not due to spontaneous combustion - the only country on earth where this has been proven to have happened.
³for more information on French history, see future blogpost “Le Catastrophe! 101 French Mistakes.”
⁴for more information on inherited traits, see future blogpost “Lazy, thick and drunk - Don’t be angry, sue your parents”

Sweet Chindouche Music #1 - Cover songs

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here with a brand new format. Many of you will know that I was the premier DJ on South Korea’s hottest radio station, Seoul FM¹, from 1996 - 2003. This job exposed me to an eclectic mix of music, and through the “Sweet Chindouche Music” series, I hope to educate your aural senses.

Coldplay - Sexual Healing

A real pity this one. Featuring Chris Martin’s most blistering performance to date, the cover never saw the light of day as the video was banned for its obscene images (mainly Martin gyrating with increasingly large animals in london zoo²).

Take That - Snooker Loopy

Released as Japanese only single (it’s even illegal to own a bootleg or import in the UK). The classic Chas and Dave track was rescored as a love song (though maintained the cue-and-ball based lyrics). Jason Orange took the lead vocals (for the first last and only time), and did a very good job.

Ellie Goulding - Your Song

“I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I put down in words...”

Well, actually, I do mind Ellie. I mind very much. For one thing, you didn’t put down in words. Bernie Taupin did. You should have said “I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I sang someone else’s words.”

And another thing. Elton John is gay³. When he sang “I don’t have much money, but boy if I did” it made sense. To keep the sexual orientation of the song pure, you should have changed your line to “I don’t have much money, but girl if I did”, but you were too lazy.

Goulding - Lazy

Sugababes - Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen

A year before Siobhán Donaghy’s departure came the Sugababes’ greatest artistic departure. The 2000 album entitled “We don’t need no wedding rings” was a note for note orchestrated version of Wagner’s “Ring Cycle”. Clocking in at 15 hours, the 13 disc album sold particularly well in Austria. However, the ensuing court case (surrounding alleged satanic messages that could be heard if the album were played backwards) led to turmoil for the group, and Donaghy’s eventual breakdown and desertion.

Personally, I fell groups should steer well clear of the cover song. Originality is key, as was true with my 1994 dub step album “Chindouche Time”⁴.

Barry Chindouche.

¹"The Sole Soul of Seoul" (A Chindouche original tagline)
²The giraffe scene will forever stay with those who saw it.
³Apologies to those of you who are yet to reach page 129 of "Elton John: Me, Myself and I"
⁴For an in depth discussion on why the album is no longer available, see future blogpost "EMI - Everyone's Money Is-ours"

Advertising campaigns that never made it

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here - twice as bright as technicolor. Today, I shall reveal to you some of the advertising tie-ins that never made it.

Niagara Falls

Back in 1999, the Niagara Falls Tourism Visitor and Convention Bureau were on the verge of signing a 2 year marketing deal. The proposal involved adding crushed Clitoria Ternatea¹ to the waters, as well as freezing the falls with a complicated system of dry ice. However, the ultimate deal breaker proved to be the proposed name change to “Viagra Falls”.

Artist's impression of Viagra Falls

Haig Whisky

Famously advertised with the tag line “Don’t be vague, ask for Haig”. During the 2001 British general election², the marketing board came up with a plan to temporarily change the products name to Hague whiskey. William Hague was asked if he would tie in to the campaign by murmuring vaguely during Prime Minister’s Questions. He declined the offer due to parliamentary constraints on private investment (though many think he still took the deal “under the table” as his incomprehensible performances during the period made almost no sense whatsoever).

Bisto gravy

The “Ahhhhhh, Bristow” campaign lasted just 2 weeks after 6 year old Andrew Shingle punctured his hand on the free set of darts added to every pack. He died the next day from blood poisoning, and the Ad was quickly pulled.

Ahhhh, Bristow

So, there you have it. Many companies want to tie in to the world of Barry Chindouche. None of them cut the mustard³.

Barry Chindouche.

¹A blue plant used as food dye. Keep up.
²For more information the British election process, as well as pirates, see future post "X marks the spot - Pirates to Politics".
³especially Coleman's.

Chindouche instructs you... to meet women

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here again - improving minds since 1972. I have decided to revive an old format today, “Chindouche instructs you”. These mini-guides are perfect for printing out, slipping into your wallet, and pulling out when you need instructing most. This week, it’s my indispensable guide to meeting women¹.

Rule #1 - There are only two rules.

Rule #2 - Know thy enemy

Yes, you read right, enemy. Women are a different species to men², and you are going to need to approach them in the same way you would an enemy of any war. This, and this alone, will enable you to conquer as many women as I have³.

San Tzu - The original Casanova

Of course, the greatest war guide ever written is San Tzu’s “The Art of War”. Read this book, and you’ll have your pick of the ladies. Not got time? Lucky you. I’ve read it. Twice.

Here are some useful extracts, complete with ways to apply them to the other sex.

• “All warfare is based on deception.” - Who says you need to be truthful? What are you aiming for, romance or a UN resolution to declare war? Say whatever she needs to hear and she’ll soon be yours.

• “He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious.” - Don’t sidle up to her nervously having been making eye contact for 10 minutes. Ambush her. Wait until she goes to the toilet, and wait outside the door. As soon as she exits, bombard her⁴.

• “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” - Don’t hit her.

• “Management of many is the same as management of few. It is a matter of organization.” - Have multiple women on the go is easy. Just make sure you are organised.

• “Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him.” - Tell her you’re ill/disabled, push the pity, then pounce.

• “The general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought” - Preparation is key. For help with this, see future blog post “Dress fresh, come first.”

Gentlemen, this is all you need to know. Good luck.

B. Chindouche



¹ Any women out there wanting to find out how to pick up a man, look out for future blog post “Looking available and up for it - 10 easy steps”.
² fact.
³ 32.
⁴ with conversation, not bombs.

Brief Histories #2: Inventions

Hi there,

Barry Chindouche here - I don’t ron ron ron, I don’t ron ron.

Here is the second in the ever popular “Brief histories” series. Today: Inventions.

The mother of all necessity

Meaden: Necessities bosom buddy

Life is full of gaps. That’s when inventions step in and say “Hello gap, consider yourself FILLED”. Before anything had ever been invented, people spent almost 90% of their day walking around, clicking their fingers and saying “oooooh, if only I had a, you know, thing.”

Then a tetchy troglodyte started bashing together some flint and created fire. He then used that fire to light a roll of tobacco leaf, and thus the world’s first invention was born: the cigarette.

Detailed cave paintings tell us that this sparked an entrepreneurial flurry. By 5,000 BC, the list of inventions had grown to include: slapstick comedy, cricket, pornography, anti-semitism, gravy, passports and dress down Fridays¹.

Pre-sliced = Twice as nice

Sliced bread is the modern day yardstick for how useful inventions are. However, there have been a number of landmark inventions that, for a period of time, were held as the greatest invention ever. See figure 1 for details.

Of course, the modern day phrase is technically “The best thing since Kingsmill-sliced-50/50-bread”. White bread that’s good for you? That is off the strongest of chains.

AMSSTUFF

Inventions cannot come into being without some very special people. Those special people are, in alphabetical order:

• Richard Branson
• Barry Chindouche²
• Theo Paphitis
• Alan Sugar

So there you have it. Go out and invent something. Or don't.

B. Chindouche

¹Of course, these were British inventions. Cave paintings from other countries, like France, show little or no progress until around 50 BC.
²An ancient Egyptian invention.

³Don’t believe me? Just check out future blog post “My intention is invention - 50 products that B. Chindouche invented, then had stolen from him”

Murder on the dance floor. Or indeed, any floor.

Hi there,

Your old friend Barry Chindouche here: set your synaptic connections from stun to kill – pun definitely intended¹.

Murder. It isn’t very nice. Or is it?

No. It isn’t. However, I have always believed that words were invented for a reason – so as the word murder exists, I believe there needs to be some murder to justify it. Otherwise it’s a waste of letters.

Now, please stop jabbing the 9 key on your phone², I have never murdered anyone in my life³. I just think that there are a number of notable murders throughout history that needed to happen. If you don’t believe me, scan down this list, and then tell me I’m mad. You won’t be able to. I’m always right.

1. Queen Victoria. Victorian Britain had been going on for ages. For almost 82 years, the inhabitants of this lonely isle had put up with the worst national moniker in history: Victorians. To rhyme with chlamydia. Had Lord Jefferson Thrumpingtit not sliced her guts open, who knows? She might still be alive today – and we’d still be the bloody Victorians.
2. Clive Anderson. Not THE Clive Anderson of course. This Clive was a door-to-door kitchen supplies salesman. He would use inane banter about "not being THE Clive Anderson!" This even led to THE Clive Anderson having a nervous breakdown and refusing to film any more shows. One customer (and avid “Whose Line is it Anyway?” fan) finally snapped and saw red. Clive was found dead in a lay-by, having had feather dusters shoved into his eyes and the words “I fucking KNOW you’re not THE Clive Anderson” written on his naked torso in faeces. A post mortem examination revealed 39 litres of bleach in his stomach. And THE Clive Anderson, thankfully, returned to the studio the very next day.
3. Pope John Paul II. Murdered by atheist Britney Chesterfield when she slipped five electric eels into his papal bath. A necessary termination: his dying breath was reported to be “At least I never changed my stance on contraception!”
4. Michael Jackson. The world would never have survived his come back tour. Thank you Conrad Murray.

So there you have it. Four fully justifiable murders: just please, don’t add to it. Four is enough for me.

B. Chindouche

¹I always intend my puns. For help being as good as me at punnery, see future blog post “Puns? I’ve got them by the punnet load”.
²For my American readers, the emergency number in this country is 999. And that's how it should be – 911 is just confusing. Change it now please.
³but if I need to kill someone, I could and I would. And I’d make it look like an accident. So don’t mess with me.